


Swirling Thoughts Are The Worst Types Of Thoughts

by GrumpyMoony



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (only referenced tho), Angst, Coping Mechanisms, Depression, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Painting, Panic Attacks, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 11:32:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14377764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrumpyMoony/pseuds/GrumpyMoony
Summary: Remus Lupin has depression, and one day an infortunate small accident causes him to spiral down...





	Swirling Thoughts Are The Worst Types Of Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> so, this was actually something i wrote while being in the exact same situation and state of mind, so i think it's fair to say that this is 1) a very personnal piece, not my usual fics and 2) just a tiny bit of a huge self insert. oh well.
> 
> i hope you can enjoy this! beware, im going to write an actual novel in the end notes
> 
> warnings : all in the tags, there is a small reference to a thought of self harming that you might only see if you are familiar with said thoughts... we'll see.
> 
> (btw this is not beta-ed so there might be some mistakes, sorry)

Remus didn’t know what to do. He didn’t understand what was going on. It had been 2 hours since the unfortunate accident, but his emotions were showing no signs of possibly settling down. He couldn’t even understand if he was numb or if a thousand of feelings were coming all over him. Yet he didn’t really seem to register anything : he was just sitting here, still trying to read his book.

 

Suddenly, he heard a click in the door and he saw Sirius. Usually, when he was having a hard time with his depression, he would stay where he was, waiting for his boyfriend to notice something was unusual. Yet, today, something came over him, and he was suddenly standing up in front of his boyfriend, his whole body tense.

 

“The pictures we had of our Hogwarts years, I took them in the kitchen to look at them and then I started cooking, and I casted a diffindo to cut some onions but I was unfocused and tired and I don’t know what happened, but the spell reached the pictures instead and now they are in pieces.” Surprisingly, his explanation was much clearer than the wild whirlwind of emotions or not-emotions in his mind.

 

Sirius seemed shocked by his boyfriend’s unusual behaviour. “What, so they’ve been cut through? That’s okay, I’m sure it’s fixable, we can…”

 

But Remus interrupted his reassuring, logical train of thoughts. He couldn’t control what he was saying; he wasn’t sure where it all came from but suddenly something snapped and he was rambling, his speech still strangely clear. “I know it sounds stupid, but they’re incredibly important to me. These years in Hogwarts were the best of my life and these pictures were a sign that it was real, and that you guys were here for me. And if they’re ruined it means that…”

 

Suddenly, everything broke inside of him and he was sobbing. Sirius immediately ran to his side and took him in his arms. One thing was for sure : he wasn’t numb anymore, his emotions felt so raw and powerful that he felt like they were tearing him apart and he needed to get them out, out,  _ out _ …

 

He knew of one way to get the feelings out and to go back to being comfortingly numb, but he couldn’t. He knew it would be a mistake. But now that the thought was in his mind, he couldn’t help but feel it swirling everywhere in him, craving to be released.

 

As if feeling what was going on in his boyfriend’s mind, Sirius hugged him even tighter, pressing Remus against him as if he wanted them to fuse. The contact hurt a little, and Remus clinged to this one, tangible sensation to try and distract him from the terrifying storm that was about to swallow him whole.

 

“It’s okay,” Sirius whispered, “I think a simple spell can salvage them. And if not, we will go to Hogwarts and retake every single one of them, so you can still look at them as much as you want.”

 

Remus nodded, but the words were empty to him. It meant nothing,  _ nothing _ , as everything was storming and begging for release.

 

Sirius pulled Remus away from him. Remus blinked in surprise. This, also, was unusual.

 

“Remus,” Sirius suggested slowly, “I think you should paint for a bit.”

 

Remus nodded slowly. Yes, that could work, that could help to pour everything out of him. He went to sit on the couch, still in a daze, as Sirius placed his notebook and pencils in front of him. He reached absent-mindedly to his black pen, and started drawing.

 

It didn’t make a lot of sense, but it didn’t need to. As he started drawing, he felt everything slowing inside him. The storm turned into a light wind, still complex and terrifying, but less powerful. He started to think a bit more clearly. After a while, he put the pen away and looked at his drawing. It looked like a black hole : just dark strikes and marks swirling toward the center of the page. It didn’t make sense to anyone but him, and even him could only understand it subconsciously.

 

When it seemed obvious that Remus was completely done, Sirius sat down next to Remus and took him in his arms again.

 

“I know the pictures comfort you, but they aren’t everything you have. There aren’t some magical prosthesis that keep you from collapsing; they are only a little help. You have thousand of other way to feel happy, or comforted. If you lost them - and I’m saying “if”, because  _ this _ is fixable, Remus - it wouldn’t be the end. You would carry on, still as brave as always. You can survive, Moony.”

 

Remus nodded again, very slowly. The words could not magically fix everything, but they helped. And then, his emotional turmoil  _ changed _ . Suddenly, every single emotion was understood, named, even though it wasn’t completely specific : sadness, regret, distress, nostalgia, fear… And now that everything was understood, it could _ escape _ : and Remus was sobbing again, but this time every single tear was a bit less painful, and he could breathe again.

 

Sirius slowly kissed the top of his head, and whispered: “It will pass, Moony, everything will pass…”

 

**Author's Note:**

> soooo i hope i didnt make you feel too awful...
> 
> anyway as i said in the notes at the beginning, i literally wrote this as it was happening to me. like when i started to cry i typed out the words "remus started sobbing" and everything. the only difference is that instead of painting, i was writing (yes, this exact fic you read) and that it wasn't pictures that i thought i destroyed.
> 
> also, when i said that this was a bit of a self insert, i didnt mean that i was a remus who was hoping for a sirius black to come in and save the day : i was both of them. i guess i hope this can help people who feel lonely against their mental illness!, i wanted sirius to represent, like, the coping skills that i learned or the reasoning i tried to use. not an actual, physical person.  
> ( look at me, saying a character "represents" something as if i was a great poetic writer)
> 
> im not sure what else to say? if you're in the same situation as me and remus, remember that you can survive this, that you are plenty strong and ressourceful and you can create your very own mental sirius to help you out. i know it's tough, but you are brave enough, even when you don't feel like it
> 
> i'm getting sappy? sorry. i'll be quiet now. as always, comments and kudos are extremely appreciated!


End file.
